5 Reasons Why Your Classroom Needs a Gun

In the aftermath of school shootings across the nation, the topic of arming teachers has become hotly debated. While critics cry that you can’t fight fire with fire, they’re completely blind to all the practical uses of guns in classrooms. Here are the top 5 reasons a gun is an absolute back-to-school must for every teacher!

  1. It Can Wake Up Sleepy Students

Why push back start times when you have a gun? A good morning shot into the air will wake up your students better than a double shot of espresso! Your students won’t complain that they need 30 extra minutes of sleep when there’s insulation falling from the ceiling.

    2. It’s a Quick and Easy Hole Puncher

There’s nothing worse than trying to hole punch 30 papers at once. Worry no more! A gun will blast right through even the thickest stacks! If you’re looking to get in a little target practice, try doing it from across the room!

    3. It Keeps Rowdy Classes in Check  

From spit balls to passing notes, kids can be a handful! Whipping out your gun and loudly slamming it on your desk is sure to get their attention. After all, nothing says “I’ve got eyes in the back of my head” like the handle of a Smith & Wesson peeking out of your slacks.  

    4. It’s a Perfect Talking Stick

Many students will roll their eyes at the idea of a talking stick, no matter how good it is for facilitating discussion. I promise that everyone will take it seriously when you start passing around the handgun! Your shy students won’t get talked over when they’re armed!

    5. It Can Make Halloween Costumes a Breeze

Halloween sneaks up on all of us, and it’s easy to forget to dress up. Having your gun on hand gives you tons of options- wear all black and be a spy, wear camouflage and be a soldier, give yourself a buzzcut and be a cop!



Look out Stanford, you got a strong applicant coming! Meet, Liu Xiaoping, a girl from Suzhou, China who at the age of 14, is already in the midst of an internship at Apple. She was just a villager in middle school when she was discovered by a local recruiter. According to an Apple spokesperson, “Xiaoping was chosen for her work ethic, attention to detail, and tiny hands that could be quite useful in assembling LCD screens.”

Her dedication to her internship can be seen by the fact that she often works 15 hour shifts without a single break. Looks like someone is gonna get a great Letter of Rec!

Sadly, some people are feeling threatened by Xiaoping and want to get her internship taken away from her. Jealous human rights groups have started a campaign saying that internships like Liu’s are “Manipulating Child Labor” and an “Abuse of Power.” Talk about salty!

We’re rooting for you Liu, you’re making us proud!


Essay Rubric Asks Literal Child to Demonstrate Deep Understanding of Human Nature

CUPERTINO – A shocking report released early Tuesday morning revealed literal children were being asked to demonstrate a deep understanding of human nature by Cupertino High School essay rubrics. “To get an A on my The Scarlet Letter essay, the rubric said I had to make insightful commentary on the human experience,” stated Junior Thu Yung, a human being who has walked the earth for a mere sixteen years. Students have reported these expectations being found throughout all literature classes and grade levels. “It’s every single essay for every single class,” reported Yung, who has existed for a mere moment compared to the vastness of all human experience. “For some reason I’m having trouble answering questions struggled with since the dawn of civilization in four pages or less.” Said rubric requirements have been found in classes such as Literature/Writing, World Core, American Literature, American Literature Honors, British Literature, Advanced Placement Literature, and Voices of Modern Culture. The Cupertino Corridor has been informed that this is every single literature class offered at CHS. “Good thing our literature teachers are in their thirties,” Said Yung. “I’m sure they have an comprehensive understanding of the human condition by now.”

Tino Robotics Doping Allegations Shock Community

CUPERTINO – In an announcement that sent shockwaves through the STEM community, an anonymous source leaked Wednesday that the Cupertino High School Robotics Team has been using performance enhancing drugs during competitions. “It started out small.” said the anonymous source, their colossal arms pulsing with muscle. “Some muscle milk after a club meeting, a boost of protein after a long build session. It wasn’t long before we were using steroids
before every big robotics competition.”  The source went on to reveal this practice has been occurring since early 2014, and that the team has used anabolic steroids, ephedrine, diuretics, and many other performance enhancing drugs. “It was after the blood-doping for the FTC Play Space Qualifier that I knew I had to quit.” Said the anonymous source, chest muscles practically ripping out of their Tino Robotics apparel. “We kept pushing harder and harder, we would shoot up just to get the strength to debug the image processing firmware. We were so obsessed with winning we had lost sight of what really mattered.” Authorities have announced that an investigation is now being launched into the use of performance enhancing drugs in Tino Quiz Bowl and Model UN.

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